Hand on your heart: do you always have a clear mind during sex? Are you completely in the moment with your partner? We often find we can’t switch off and there’s a stream of thoughts about work, arguments or worries on a loop in our head. But sex is not just a purely physical act; the mind also plays a key role. Sex needs quiet, time and the ability to let go. That is why stress is also the number one lust killer. So, we’re going to teach you how to clear your mind and abandon yourself properly again.
How the brain takes the edge off passion
Let’s start with some science. To feel sexual desire, more than five different areas of the brain work together, such as the cerebral cortex, limbic system and memory. Our subconscious compares everything we experience today with similar past situations and classifies it. Our sexuality is therefore made up of the interaction of all our experiences. So, for example, for sex it is important that we feel good physically, we have experienced gentleness, closeness, distance, respect, affection and acceptance, that we feel loved and that we are allowed to be erotically curious. If our past experiences are negative, then this is also noticeable during sex. Feelings like anxiety, shame, feelings of inferiority, guilt or irritation all originate in part of the cerebral cortex. And that is also where we develop our own situational logic, which we follow whether it makes sense or not. So, sometimes during sex thoughts keep going round our head in a loop and we can’t concentrate on the moment. Thanks for that brain!
Our upbringing also means we struggle to easily switch off our brains. As children, we are trained to constantly be aware of what we are thinking, and to overanalyse everything. And then there’s society’s image of “perfect” sex, which can cause us to feel inhibited. The media propagates the idea that sex is always right and uninhibited, and everyone always orgasms. Because performance matters in sex. All of this means we overload our sexuality with expectations which are unrealistic to some extent. As a result, we have a contorted self-image and expect too much of ourselves. So, if sex doesn’t go “perfectly” from the start, the mind begins to rattle and can block us.
These kinds of thought blocks can happen with both genders, but are more frequent for women. This is ostensibly because men are more in touch with their body and penis. Regularly masturbating means that men have a more reliable neurological link between their genitals and their brain. Women are advised to connect positive feelings with their vagina more often. And the best way to do this is through masturbation. This helps women to get to know themselves, their bodies and their desires better, with the feeling of shame that is still frequently connected with the vagina dwindling.
So: brain off and concentrate on the moment! But how do you manage that?
Escaping the thought loop: tips for switching off
You often read the advice that the best way to stop thoughts that are on a loop is by saying “Stop”. But have you actually tried it? Did it work? It’s pretty tough. Because when you’re stuck in a thought loop it’s really not that easy to get out again. Thoughts spin round by themselves – one thought leads to the next. It often happens subconsciously, and we worry even more, making ourselves even more stressed. For anyone who’s fed up of continually circling round in a loop, we’ve put together a couple of tips:
- Give yourself permission to switch off and set clear boundaries: Of course, you could quickly check your work emails, or work a bit more on your presentation. But at some point, enough is enough. Many of us still have this fixed idea that we always have to be productive. NO! You don’t have to! Tomorrow is another day. Write yourself a list with the tasks you need/want to remember and plan the next day. This enables you to start the next work day prepared, and still enjoy your evening. Relax and do something you enjoy. And if you don’t want to do anything at all, that’s completely fine too. It’s your evening. Learn to say NO.
- Banish work things from sight: If your laptop, mobile and even work documents are right next to the sofa, you’re more likely to do a quick bit of work. That’s why it’s important for you to create work-free zones: work things are banned here. These are quiet zones where nothing reminds you of work.
- Burn off energy: After a stressful day, it can help to burn off some energy with sport. Did you have an irritating conversation with your colleagues or your line manager? Go boxing and thump a punch bag – it works wonders (and I speak from personal experience 😊). If you’re not a sports fan, and not into jogging or boxing, take a couple of minutes to go for a walk. The fresh air and nature will help clear your head, and thoughts will slowly fizzle out.
- Talk about it: If you just can’t get the day out of your head and you keep mulling over an awkward situation or difficult conversation, it can help to talk to someone about it. Have a good old vent. It’s just important that you don’t talk in a loop, and keep talking about the same thing over and over again. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, or are someone who prefers to work through things by yourself, you might find it useful to write your thoughts down. Take a couple of minutes (you can even set yourself a timer) to write down everything that’s whirling around your brain.
- Introduce routines: If you find it difficult to clear your head in the evening after work, routines can help. It does your brain good to switch to autopilot and not have to make decisions. Here you could include yoga, meditation or mindfulness exercises for example. These things don’t just help in the short term; regular practice will leave you calmer and with a clearer mind in the long term too. In any case, you should avoid anything that triggers stress, like coffee or even digital media. They stir up our brains and keep them alert.
Mental images on! How your mind can help with sex
But of course, there are situations where your brain can be helpful for sex. Have you agreed a hot sex date with your partner for the evening? Then turn on the mental images throughout the day. Fantasise about the things you’d like to do with your partner. Or things they should do with you. These sex fantasies can be very arousing and build anticipation for the evening. You could also send your partner sexy messages throughout the day, sharing your fantasies.
Do you actually know the most popular sex fantasies for women? You’d be amazed at what many women fantasise about. According to a survey, the most popular fantasies for women are:
- Sex with different partners at the same time
- Being dominant
- Sex with a stranger
- Sex in forbidden places
The same survey said men fantasised about:
- One-night stands
- Oral sex for them
- Role play
- Being watched during sex
So, you see: your head can actually help to make your sex life a bit more exciting. 😉
Remember: if it doesn’t quite happen like you imagined the first time, try something else. Don’t force things, have a (sex) break. Go out with your partner, watch a film together or just have a cuddle. Desire will practically come by itself. Or stroke each other, give each other a sensual massage – without focusing on orgasms. Try karezza, mindful sex and slow sex.
So, people: breathe and don’t let yourselves get stressed! 😊
Image sources: pexels-alex-green-5699746, pexels-cody-portraits-11664056, pexels-tamara-elnova-13761343