Sensitive, sensual sex – that is tender, slow and conscious and that doesn’t even have to reach a climax? How can it work and be good? Sex without the pressure to perform and with no orgasm? That’s right – even when it comes to sex, it’s okay to take a deep breath, connect with your partner and focus on your emotions instead of forever chasing the next climax. It’s all about slow sex. In this case, ‘slow’ doesn’t have to mean slow and boring. Far from it: the aim of slow sex is for the energy that is normally channelled through an orgasm to be retained in the body, resulting in a real flood of emotions. In this article, we reveal what exactly is meant by slow sex and how to try it for yourself.
Where does the term slow sex come from?
The concept of what we now call ‘slow sex’ (known at the time as ‘karezza’, from the Italian for ‘caressing’) was defined and developed by John Humphrey Noyes as far back as 1844. In doing so, he pioneered this form of ‘lovemaking’. It was unusual for its time, since in the 19th century sex existed solely for the purpose of reproduction and not so much as a means of showing affection. The term ‘slow sex’ was probably first coined by Tantra expert Diana Richardson in 2011, describing it as mindful, intentional sex that focuses on the emotional connection between the couple. Occasionally the term ‘cool sex’ is also used in place of ‘slow sex’, rather aptly capturing the idea that it is all about experiencing sex more consciously by allowing the frenzy of ecstasy to ‘cool off’.
How to enjoy slow sex
The prep work
Yes, a certain amount of preparation is recommended. Not only should you choose the time slot together, but you also need to make sure that you won’t be disturbed and create a nice atmosphere. It’s also a good idea to have everything you need at the ready, such as personal lubricant or pillows. So turn off your phone, take the little ones to their grandparents and draw the blinds 😉
The warm-up phase
Once you have everything ready, the first thing to do is move into what is known as the warm-up phase. Relax and lie naked on the bed with your partner. You can begin by breathing deeply down into your belly, perhaps meditating and then starting to caress each other.
Take your time to enjoy your partner’s touches, to simply feel or to communicate what you are feeling. The beauty of this is that, during the warm-up phase, you can look deep into your partner’s eyes and really feel the connection. The aim is to develop a kind of circle of energy and to let it flow gently, always keeping in mind that the woman absorbs the energy on a purely biological level and the man radiates energy. What is really positive and special about slow sex is that it’s always a good way to start, even if your partner doesn’t feel like having sex 😉
A little tip for the men: It is best to start by touching your partner’s breasts right from the outset and make deep eye contact.
And a tip for the women: Rest your hand lightly on your partner’s penis and try to arouse him as little as possible. Here too, eye contact and affectionate caresses on the body are the best way to start.
Once you are past the ‘warm-up phase’, you can obviously make things a little more affectionate and sensual. The stroking becomes more intense, without getting too aroused. What you want is simply to feel what is happening inside you. To notice how you feel when your partner starts to become sexually aroused. You can also tell yourself how you feel. You should then ‘unite’ as a couple. But this should be done tenderly and without any fast thrusting motions. If you can, you should also try to insert the man’s penis with little or no erection, as this will allow the genitals to connect differently (in an unfamiliar way) and even communicate with each other using energy.
A little tip: When inserting an unerect penis in particular, personal lubricant can be very useful. It makes ‘soft’ penetration easier and makes it more pleasurable for both of you.
Sex without arousal – How does it work?
In specialist circles, sex without arousal is also known as ‘soft penetration’. This means that the penis is inserted into the vagina soft. The sex position you choose for this is very important and should be as comfortable as possible. We recommend the spoons or scissors position, which will stop the penis from slipping out. Again, it is important to ask yourself ‘How do I respond when he caresses different parts of my body?’; ‘How does her vagina / his penis feel, and how do I feel when it moves?’, and so on.
Let it to come to an end and enjoy
The moments after slow sex are just like the moments before slow sex. Savour the intimacy of nudity, talk about what you have just experienced or even reveal deeper emotions. Some men or women may even find themselves close to tears. It is important to stay in bed for a while, maintaining the intimacy, and not to get up abruptly or break off the act of lovemaking. This means consciously giving yourself the time to ease back into the everyday. A few words of kindness or gratitude will round things off at the end. You then say goodbye to your partner in a rather conscious way, further promoting intimacy.
Want to try slow sex and find out how it feels for you? Here are our top five tips for getting started, at a glance:
|1. Practise on your own first – teach yourself mindfulness when you masturbate|
|2. Talk openly with your partner about wanting to have slow sex|
|3. Explore the polarity of men and women|
|4. Talk regularly about your desires and emotions|
|5. Turn your thoughts around again and again, away from the urge to have an orgasm or give one to your partner|
Why should you try slow sex?
At the very heart of slow sex lie the connection, the mindfulness and the energy that sex and intimacy can bring, without orgasms being important. It isn’t just about satisfying your partner or feeding your own ego. Instead, it is about sensing what love and intimacy is, about truly experiencing what it is for a woman to open up and abandon herself and for a man to give himself.
What’s more, as we’ve already discussed, slow sex works without an erection, which is a sensitive issue for many couples – if a man has problems maintaining an erection, for instance. Slow sex is simply more – more profound and more intimate, because it is more about cultivating an inner connection and expressing what feels good in that moment and what you love about each other. Try it for yourselves or find out more about slow sex love retreats.
Do you agree that slow sex is something you should definitely try out and maybe even integrate into your sex life? Then we hope we’ve been able to help you with our tips. Last but not least, here is a brief summary of the benefits of slow sex:
7 benefits of slow sex
- Special: you make a date for gentle sex
- No pressure: having an orgasm is not the goal of slow sex
- Intimate: it is about a woman opening up and abandoning herself and a man giving himself
- New: you become more familiar with your own body and with your partner’s erogenous zones
- Relaxing: comfortable positions are encouraged and there are no more excuses not to have sex
- Refreshing: there is no pressure to perform; slow sex is also possible without an erection
- Diverse: no matter how old you are, slow sex offers something for everyone 😊